Dear Ms Bradford,

I was thinking of you in a dream today, or perhaps it was National Radio. You were happily chatting with Larry Baldock who seemed confused by your continued smacking/beating equivocation.

Ms Bradford, we live in an age dominated by empiricism — e.g. we test things using logical thinking and evidence in an attempt to gain factual information. I am wondering whether the rules of logical thinking and sound argument apply to you, or do you have your own rules of logic?

I thought maybe we could find out using the “Let’s find the post-modern clown” test. (SB=Sue Bradford; CN=Christian News)

SB: Err, you bulieve in God?

CN: Yes.

SB: Why?

CN: Because the Bible says so.

SB: Und you believe in muracles?

CN: Yes.

SB: Why?

CN: Because the Bible says so.

SB: And you thunk intellugent dusign is science and the intulligent dusigner is God, right?

CN: Yes.

SB: I can’t guess why. Cos the Bible suz so?

CN: Yes.

SB: But that’s stupid. You just believe what you want cos the bible suz so. You’re just a dumb fundumentalist.

CN: Yes

I think Ms Bradford, that you would be well justified in handing the “Let’s find the post-modern clown” prize to Christian News, the clear winner. (Applause!!!)

Now it’s time for CN to ask SB a few questions.

CN: Ms Bradford, you have been accused of being green on the outside, but red in the middle.

SB: Duh?

CN: Ok, let’s move on. Your mantra seems to be “smacking equals beating equals hitting equals thumping”.

SB: Wull, yes and no. I mean, yes they are not all the same — except when they are. But the people of New Zuland and the guvernment believe that smacking equals beating equals hitting equals…

CN: Ok, so you plainly do not derive your definitions from the Oxford dictionary. Do you have your own dictionary?

SB: Luk, the people of New Zuland and the guvernment believe that smacking equals beating…

CN: Ms Bradford, do you have any evidence that smacking, done properly, and lovingly, equates to child abuse?

SB: Yus, the studies have shown that smucking your kuds turns them into violent adults. Some studies I heard about, on animals, is the conclusive proof that my law is good. The pulice agree, well I mean they don’t agree, but they will have to agree now my law is passed, that these studies are proven. And even if the studies showed the opposite, we all know that the people of New Zulund agree that bashing is the same as smacking and smacking is abuse. But the pulice will not (cough) persucute anyone for a light smack. That’s just fundumentalist propugunda against my bill.

CN: Ms Bradford, 80% of New Zealanders reject your law, so how can you say the people of New Zealand agree with you? Have you been sitting in Ms Clark’s reality distortion field?

SB: Luk, Ms Clark and I go back a long way. I realise thut not all watermelons are created equal, but we go back a long way. The dufference is that I huve kuds. Like most New Zulunders, I agree that beating kuds is abuse and the government and child wulfare aguncies are reporting abuse to the police. I believe there are other ways parent in New Zulund can bring up their kuds without beating them. I dudn’t beat my kuds and they turned out ok. Anyway, the people of New Zulund and the state…

CN: Ms Bradford, your mantra seems to be just your opinion, based upon nothing, nothing and an additional nothing. Do you have any evidence to back up your claims, and which dictionary do you get your definitions from.

SB: I don’t like you. You are a bully. Stop using lugic to oppress me or I’ll cull my lawyers. I’ll huve the pulice sent around to your house. Whatever you say, the government and most New Zulunders…

Thank you Ms Bradford. Your answers are, as ever, truly enlightening. You are a blessing to the families on New Zealand. (Applause!!!). Now I must run, my daughter is about to murder her first unborn child and I have some violent video games and violent movies to catch up on.